HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS AND CARRY YOUR FAMILY ALONG.

This discussion is a bit touchy but it will bless you. The issue of family in Africa especially in Nigeria is at the core of our being. It is expected that they are carried along as you take steps towards conjugation. In fact, in most churches, the lady’s dad is asked if the man has fulfilled all the traditional rites before they are joined. We know men kidnap girls as wives nowadays 😁
For those who like to quote scriptures that "Therefore shall a man his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and twain shall become one."
Methinks, there is a process before leaving. There are three reasons you must bear in mind in the matters of leaving:
1. Carrying your family along shows that you respect their authority over you.
2. It shows that you honour them.
3. It shows that even when you leave you are still very much open to them.
Note: Many men have taken advantage of this "leaving" to maltreat their wives in the name of "she’s wholly mine."
So, that she left her family and cleave to you does not mean you OWN HER.
[BACK TO THE ISSUE OF BOUNDARY]
Let me share a story. Sometimes ago, I think my [Retired Girlfriend] and I had a discussion and I was so excited about it. So I shared it with my mum because I needed her support to be able to take steps. I have come to understand that for most families, once your mum supports you on any matter, it is a done deal. When I told my [RG] about it, she was angry. She felt we haven’t concluded the matter that if I can’t handle small issues like this, how will I manage big ones?🤒
I think this generated some sort of mistrust you know... But I learned one important lesson that day: agree with your spouse or Bf/Gf on a matter before discussing it with your family.
Therefore keeping boundaries in your relationship especially the one with marriage in view does not mean you must leave your family out of it. They must be carried along. It is left for you to determine at what point they should be brought in. As I said, you both must agree on what to say and how to go about it as you have learnt from my story.
Another aspect of boundaries is finance. Most young men do not want their ladies to discuss their income with their families. You know our people, once they know he earns 250k a month, they begin to bill the guy for everything. It is preferred that this should be between you both. It is also the duty of a lady to take care of her family. The guy’s responsibility is to his wife after marriage.
Let me share an interesting story I read yesterday ☺
A guy earns 150k a month. He gives his wife 80k and spends the rest on himself and his family. She’s complaining that he is not spending on her family.
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Methinks he is not obligated to do so. She has enough from the 80k to give to them whatever she wants.
In keeping with boundaries, let me also that add people should spell it out as simple as possible for instance, for me, I wouldn’t tolerate any lady troubling me about the content of what I discuss on social media. It is at my discretion. She may be free to make observations or disagree with my opinion but my post should not affect the health of our relationship.
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You must spell out your boundaries as soon as possible. Because we are human and still learning, you must always create room for offence, forgiveness, and forbearance. In one way or the other family may encroach into these boundaries. You must be able to let it slide for peace to reign.
***
One more thing: especially for young people seeking marriage, carry people along. Don’t decide all by yourself. I have seen relationships that people foolishly end because of one misunderstanding or the other. Whereas, if they’ve spoken to a godly adult, he or she may have helped mitigate the issue and also provide clarity to the issue.
Don’t be your boss in matters of life. Allow people to use their experiences to guide you.
Do not keep all to yourself. You may appear wise and prudent but in the long run, it may lead you to trouble especially nowadays when people appear good but are untrustworthy.
There’s an adage in Yoruba that when a child kills a rabbit, he eats it alone but when he kills an elephant, he must take it home. There are matters you cannot handle alone.
In conclusion, you may not agree with all I have said, they are just my opinion.
I do not expect you also but, of course, take the lessons and keep running.
Your life is first, your business to run.
😁😁😁😁

Author

Ojo Olumide Emmanuel is a teacher, poet and editor. Say hi to him on Twitter @OjoOlumideEmma2